A Letter
by militaryhistory
Summary: The characters are not happy with fanfiction authors.
1. First Letter: December 2008

To: All Lord of the Rings Fanfiction Writers

We the undersigned request the following:

That Aragorn and Legolas stop being forced to fall in love with all these Mary Sues. Arwen is not happy, and Aragorn is getting rather annoyed at constantly having to break it gently to these girls that Arwen is his wife and he actually loves _her_, while simultaneously explaining to Arwen why he was being romantic with someone besides her. Legolas has been muttering about Mary-Sues starting to appear in his nightmares for a month now.

Elrond, Thranduil, Legolas, Glorfindel, and Haldir want to A. Stop falling in love with human females—look, it just isn't done that way; and B. not be forced to involve themselves in slash—they are not happy.

Celebrian is not happy about the story titled after her—she's been muttering about sending Elladan and Elrohir out to get the author.

Elladan and Elrohir want to stop looking like idiots, and/or being forced to fall in love with human females.

All of the guys want to stop either looking like A. arrogant would-be rapists or B. lovestruck adolescents.

The girls want the guys to stop being taken away from them.

Faramir wants his brother's honor back.

The humans are getting tired of looking like pigs in favor of the elves.

Gimli and the dwarves want the same amount of attention they have now.

Merry, Pippin, and Sam are annoyed with the slash as well, but otherwise are fine.

Eomer is curious as to why no one has come for him yet. We have told him that it is much, much, much better that way, and he agrees. He wants his uncle's honor back.

Elrond is, as you might imagine, annoyed at being separated from his wife.

The remaining members of the Fellowship are growing annoyed with constantly having to retake the journey with Mary Sues—they wouldn't mind so much if they were reasonable, but Sues? They've decided to kill the next one.

We therefore request that all of the activities inveighed against be ceased, and that all activities requested begin soon. In order to further this, we have formed a union—Lord of the Rings Characters Association. If you do not heed us, we will go on strike.

Respectfully,

Elrond, Haldir, Legolas, Glorfindel, Gimli, Gloin, Eomer, Eowyn, Aragorn, Arwen, Celeborn, Galadriel, Celebrian, Elladan, Elrohir, Meriadoc, Pippin, Samwise, Faramir, Thranduil


	2. Second Letter: November 2010

To: All Lord Of the Rings Fanfiction Writers

We, the undersigned, would like to make certain matters known to you:

While we are grateful that the incidences of slashing us, sending us on quests with Mary Sues, and derailing characters have gone down, we are still most displeased that these things are happening at all.

We would like to make a few additions to our last letter, concerning things that apparently were not made sufficiently clear, or were left out due to the parties involved not being able to communicate to us.

This is here primarily for clarification purposes: Aragorn would like to make it clear that when he says "I have eyes only for Arwen" he means "I have eyes _**only for Arwen**_"

We have also received certain communications from Aman.

First, Gandalf would like to point out that he is a Maiar, not a babysitter for some teenage girl, and that him dying was part of the plan. Yes, he knows he is rather grandfatherly, but his patience was rather taxed over the course of the quest, and avoiding smiting Pippin was difficult. He is also disturbed by the notion of romance fics involving him at all.

Second, Frodo is rather disturbed by the notion of slash involving him.

As to what will occur should you ignore this letter, as striking is apparently prohibited by the contracts we signed: Due to certain limitations imposed by something called "The Fourth Wall" we cannot cross from your world into ours. However, we have found a way around this.

Eru Iluvatar of our world, and Yahweh of your world, by some peculiar process that owes it possibility to the mind of the creator of Middle-Earth in your world, have arranged to send to us multiple typewriters. You may wonder why this is, necessarily, a fearsome thing. Well, let us put it this way, just as, to you, our world is fictional, so to us your world is fictional.

As you all are moderately bright people, we do not believe we need to go into the details of what exactly we may do with this newfound power should our demands not be met. Suffice it to say that many of the political events in the polity in your world that is known as the United States of America, beginning in 2009 with the "stimulus package" and up to these things called "mid-term elections", were a test run of the typewriters.

Thank you for your consideration.

Respectfully,

The Original Members of the Lord of the Rings Character Association, Frodo, and Gandalf.


	3. Third Letter: January 2011

To: All Lord Of the Rings Fanfiction Writers and their Governments

We, the undersigned, would like to make certain matters known to you:

While the period between this letter and our previous one is rather shorter than the one before that, we write this, firstly, to say that we were most disappointed in your lack of response to our previous missive. We determined, after further political analysis, that this lack of response was likely due to the fact that we, lacking experience with American politics, ended up writing what would have happened anyway.

Therefore, the second reason we write this letter is to say that we trust that you enjoyed the spectacle we gave you this January Fifth, wherein many…peculiar…pairings emerged. While we did not go so far as to give you slash pairings (we are not yet so desperate), we do trust that our point has been made. We particularly enjoyed learning of the current Speaker of the House and his predecessor declaring their undying, passionate love for one another on the steps of their legislative building, as well as the Premier of China and the Chancellor of Germany declaring the same when they unaccountably met in a tavern in a place called Bucharest. We do not deem it necessary to discuss these matters yet further.

Fortunately for all parties, within twelve hours of our receipt of a message responding to this letter in a way that is satisfactory to us, the current situation will no longer obtain. Should the aforementioned message not be received, however, the current situation will continue.

Satisfactory terms are as follows: That we will be allowed to deal with bad fanfiction authors as is necessary.

The primary reason we need your agreement is because neither Iluvatar nor Yahweh has seen fit to allow us one-sided access. The permission of the denizens of the other world is required in order for one world to be able to step into a second world, without the second being able to respond. In this case, we have been informed that the permission of your world may be secured by a vote in favor from all of the following twelve nations: The United States of America, China, Japan, Germany, France, the United Kingdom, Italy, Brazil, Spain, Canada, Russia, and India. We are not entirely sure why only these twelve, since your world has a dizzying array of polities, but we have been assured that it is so.

Be it known that, should you accede to our terms, no one will come to harm in any way. We truthfully do not what will happen if you do not accede to our terms. Be it also known that we regret that it has come to this.

Thank you for your consideration.

Respectfully,

The Lord of the Rings Character Association


	4. Fourth Letter: January 2011

To: All Lord Of the Rings Fanfiction Writers and their Governments

We appreciate your prompt response to our last message, and also appreciate your concern for the persons referred to therein as "bad fanfiction writers." As your primary concern was a clarification of the phraseology "as is necessary," we shall provide one.

The measures that will be taken shall involve nothing more onerous than an education in the history and cultures of Middle-Earth, as well as seminars with canon characters concerning their various traits, lasting for a subjective time of two semesters, during which time they will be under the protection of the King. At the end of this time, the person will be returned to your world, within which there will have been a passage of time of around five seconds. After this, should they write and post further bad fanfiction, we will come in the night, log on to their computer, and destroy their work. Further offenses will result in more severe punishment, such as being forced to clean up the stables of Edoras with a spoon. We would like to point out that, should they yet desire to write fanfiction including the unfortunate matters mentioned in our first two missives, they may write such things at their leisure, so long as they are not placed in view of the public, for such do not affect us or our world.

Should you be curious as to whether we are able to handle the incursion of fanfiction writers, we would like to point out that Elves and Men and Dwarves are united in this matter, and there is much space for housing in Eriador.

We would like to thank the nation of New Zealand, which, despite not being mentioned as one of the nations whose approval we needed, did vote us their support in this endeavor.

Should there be any persons who believe we have reneged on our promise to rectify the pairings we put many of your leading political figures in, we have not yet received a letter declaring that you accept our terms.

Also, we are attaching a deadline of two weeks before the next story that has been written is released to the people of Middle-Earth. We are not altogether sure what was in it, but we do know that it involves several very small polities with names like "Monaco" and "Liechtenstein" taking over your world, as well as a certain musician whose name we will not speak becoming President of the United States. Beyond that, only the scribe who wrote it down knows, but given that he said that those were two of things in his tale that made the most sense, we believe it would be in your best interests to reply in the affirmative within two weeks' time.

Respectfully,

The Lord of the Rings Character Association


	5. Fifth and Final Letter: January 2011

To: All Lord of the Rings Fanfiction Writers and their Governments

We are most gratified by the receipt of a letter from your world containing a positive response to our missive from last week.

If you are curious as to how exactly the time between your world and ours can pass so similarly as regards these letters, and yet so differently as will regard the education of the bad fanfiction authors, we are not quite sure of this either. Gandalf says he knows but isn't going to say anything, and Iluvatar doesn't talk to us much. Either way, just know that we will hold to our end of the bargain, so long as you hold to yours. Any attempt to renege will be met with the appropriate punishment, possibly including these persons called "pop stars" becoming involved in politics.

We also trust that your political leaders have been able to resolve the various complications that may have arisen as a result of our efforts. We offer our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience, and hope that no permanent damage was suffered by any parties involved.

The selection process will begin two sunsets from now. We will endeavor not to snatch up persons who are in public places, as that is highly disturbing to others. We hope that there will be as few of you as possible coming to our university and that there will be even fewer who will require further education afterwards.

May you all write, and live, well.

Respectfully,

The Lord of the Rings Character Association


End file.
